So yesterday I was without my laptop and instead had to amuse myself while watching some films.
I don’t know why I felt necessary share that, it’s not relevant to this post. Anyway afterwards I decided to amuse myself by watching some films. It got me thinking; a couple of posts ago I argued that rather than producing anti-smoking adverts, the government should just do nothing and hope that people will eventually forget about smoking.
Since then I’ve decided that, whilst this is definitely a great idea, it’s not going to have the sudden impact we need in our quest against smoking.
So what if we go in the opposite direction?
I don’t think that people are influenced enough by adverts, they’re great for putting a suggestion in your head, but they’re not long or immersing enough to make you want to change your life.
You know what really influences people? Big Hollywood productions.
So why not get some movie companies on board to make feature length films that are designed purely to demonstrate how bad smoking is? The kids all want to be Transformers and Pokemons after seeing them in films so surely putting an anti-smoking message in could have a positive impact.
The films would need to be from existing large franchises so that if they put in the same amount of effort and money as they would a normal film, it would make a profit. It’s a risky strategy; but I think that Hollywood owes the movie going public and indeed humanity in general, a huge apology for Norbit and indeed post-2001 Eddie Murphy in general.
Now I can hear you saying: “Surely crow-barring such a strong message into a film without ruining it would be impossible?
Well I’m glad you asked, fortunately I’ve come up with five films to show you just how wrong* you are…
Indiana Jones and the Last Cigarette
Synopsis: The Nazis are at the height of their power, sure they’ve done some bad things but also they’ve used their superior science to discover the health problems caused by smoking and have set out to rid the world of cigarettes.
However, hidden away, in a long forgotten temple, is a cigarette which Jesus left un-smoked in an old ashtray at the last supper, the Holy Cigarette.
Can the heroic Nazis find and destroy it before the evil Dr Jones successfully clones it?
Indiana Jones: Finally, the Holy Cigarette, if I can just get this back to the lab, we will all be free to smoke once again.
Nazi Officer: Not zo fast Doctor Jones
Indiana Jones: Nazis. I hate these guys
Nazi Officer: Hand ze zigarette to me, ve can not allow you to undo all of our great vork.
Indiana Jones: People should be free to choose whether or not they wish to smoke, besides you can’t stop me, I’m the hero in this franchise.
The Nazi shoots him
Nazi Officer: Not in zis movie
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Cough
Synopsis: After defeating the evil Lord Voldemort who must not be named, Harry Potter doesn’t have much going on in his life. Depressed, he spends all his time smoking his (magic) pipe and drinking large amounts of (magic) whiskey in his (magic) dorm. Despite finishing school 20 years ago there is always a room for Harry at Hogwarts after the great things he did for the magic community.
Also because he’s a violent drunk who curses anyone who tries to move him.
Ron: Harry, mate, it’s not normal for you to be spending all your time up here, can you at least open a window or something; I’m really worried about you.
Hermoine: We’re both worried about you Harry, you really need to go see a doctor about that cough, it’s not normal.
Harry: Pish off you two, I’m the speshcial one I can do what I want.
Apparently what he wants to do is collapse, as he immediately falls to the floor and later dies in hospital. We close with a shot of his tombstone:
Star Wars – Revenge of the Cig
Synopsis: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away the evil Empire is attempting to get the entire universe to smoke in order to maximise their profits as they have control of the tobacco industry. The emperor is assisted by Darth Vader, a man who has smoked for many years and now can only breathe with the aid of his special suit. Vader is trying to persuade the heroic Luke Skywalker to abandon his anti-tobacco protest group and use his powers for evil.
Darth Vader: There is no escape, don’t make me destroy you. You do not yet realise your importance, together we can convince the remaining planets to take up smoking.
Luke: I’ll never join you
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you the truth about your father, did he?
Luke: He told me that cigarettes killed him
Darth Vader: No I am your father
Luke: No, no that can’t be true, that’s impossible.
Darth Vader: Seriously, I am, here’s a picture of me banging your mum.
He produces the picture
Pirates of the Caribbean – Curse of the Black Lung
Synopsis: Years of smoking have finally caught up with our hero, Captain Jack Sparrow. He can no longer run like he used to or speak at his trademark speed without coughing and spluttering all the time. He’s gone to see a voodoo priestess to see what can be done to save him.
“He’d have found it easier to quit with a patch”
Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Voodoo Priestess: I see great darkness in your future and lungs, you should have quit smoking sooner Jack. I’m afraid that within two cycles of the moon you will be dead.
Captain Jack: Aaar Matey shiver me (cough) and what not. I’ll just (cough) to the mystical fountain of (couth) and save me (cough)
Voodoo Priestess: The fountain can reverse old age and fix contrived plot points, but it can not cure cancer.
Captain Jack: Ar but the legend of the (cough) says that the (cough) of a mermaid can cure any man’s (cough)
Voodoo Priestess: Aye perhaps, but not cancer, death’s shadow stalks you.
Captain Jack: (cough) well (cough) about the Western Angel? It is said that her (cough) can bring everlasting life.
Voodoo Priestess: Look! I haven’t got all day and that cough is really pissing me off, you are going to die, nothing can save you. Talk about any more magical nonsense and I swear I’ll kill you myself.
She angrily pulls out a pistol
Cough Jack: Aaar (cough) shootme (cough) you may (cough) but I’ll use my (cough) amulet to…
007 – From Russia with Love(ly tax free cigarettes)
Synopsis – High taxation and an economy in constant recession has meant that cigarettes have become too expensive for anyone in the UK to buy. Even the big wigs at MI6 are struggling to make ends meet, so M despatches her best man, James Bond, to infiltrate Russia and come back with as many cigarettes as he can hide in his suitcase.
Customs Official: So Mr Bond you thought you could get away with all these cigarettes and not pay the tax due to HMRC? Now, we have you trapped like the rat that you are.
Mr Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Customs Official: No Mr Bond I expect you to die…
…In about 30 years from lung cancer and respiratory complications. if you don’t pack in that filthy habit.
So there you have it, a whole list of movies that probably won’t make children not want to smoke, but may very well help destroy Hollywood and isn’t that what this was all about anyway?
Edit: It wasn’t? oh sorry about that.